


Please Hold Me Tight (I'm Dead Inside)

by gyu_trashling (ladynoirsdaughter)



Series: My Beautiful, Broken Body [3]
Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Depression, Friendship, Heartbreak, Implied Sexual Content, Love, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Pain, Panic Attacks, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-11
Updated: 2017-11-11
Packaged: 2019-01-31 20:38:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,310
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12689829
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ladynoirsdaughter/pseuds/gyu_trashling
Summary: He's sick, it feels like he's dying, and he's ready to give up. Mingyu is ready to throw it all away and he doesn't believe anything, not even love, can save him.PART 3 OF THE 'My Beautiful, Broken Body' SERIES





	Please Hold Me Tight (I'm Dead Inside)

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Mamihlapinatapai](https://archiveofourown.org/works/9176518) by [yeolocity](https://archiveofourown.org/users/yeolocity/pseuds/yeolocity). 



> PLEASE READ THE TAGS AS THEY CONTAIN WARNINGS
> 
> Hello all, I finally have Part 3! I was going to add more but this is quite a long section so there may also be a Part 4. I wanted to go deeper into Mingyu's mental health issues and show how they've worsened over time with him not receiving help.
> 
> The information and writing in sections may be incorrect as I tried to research all I could, so if there are any points or mistakes you pick up on please let me know for future reference. Also, if you are not comfortable with talks of self-harm, depression, anxiety, or suicidal thoughts, I encourage you to not continue or to read with caution.
> 
> Thank you and enjoy!

Watching the V-LIVE play on the screen in front of him, the raven-haired boy cringed slightly when Seungcheol suddenly yelled that he had messed up in an angry manner. In turn, it caused the group to do the same, the expression on his face at the time being one of sheer embarrassment, but with the quality the video had, he just looked blank. Of course they would all do the same and tease him, they always made fun when he messed up.

Mingyu was used to it.

It was common for him to do something stupid or awkward and the group would find a reason to bully him in the moment. He would always brush it off, never seeming to linger in the moment for too long, and would move forward with whatever topic was present.

He had finished working on lyrics over a half hour ago, the lined pages of his notebook and digital text documents on his laptop full of random words and rhymes, originally wasting his free time by searching up prices for new jackets. Once he found nothing of interest, YouTube caught his attention, and before he could type in his favourite playlist in the search bar, an uploaded VLIVE from only a week or so before that SEVENTEEN had done was in his ‘Recommendations’ list. Of course he clicked on it. A bad decision.

Just the way they all yelled and jumped around and said it as well made his breath come out a little too shaky for it to be normal. He hated watching these things, and they were told not to ever look at anything on social media that would upset them, but sometimes pain is tempting enough to want.

Being so caught up in all his thoughts in the empty studio room, Mingyu failed to notice the video had paused and needed to load, stopping on a part where everyone was staring at him while he just stared at the camera. He also failed to notice just how tight he had been holding his pencil before he felt it snap in his grip. It brought him out of his daze enough to look down and notice it, but not enough to truly care. That was the trigger.

He stood and moved towards the door, locking it and sliding down to the ground slowly. He could feel it building up the further he sunk down, the ache in his chest growing. A shiver ran over him but he couldn’t escape the burning feeling that resided under his skin.

Mingyu took multiple deep breaths, staring straight ahead at the grey coloured wall. But no matter how many breaths he took, the lump in his throat was still present and his eyes became blurry and soon enough, he was in the middle of another panic attack.

He couldn’t breathe and he felt dizzy and everything was burning. He couldn’t even rest his hands on the floor to steady himself from falling because his hands were shaking so much. The room felt so much smaller than it originally was and whenever it happens, Mingyu always regrets locking the door to keep others out. He can never manage to get it open until the anxiety is long gone and he feels like shit.

Nobody knows about it. It’s stayed well hidden for about six months, and Mingyu knows hiding it away is pathetic. But what is he supposed to do? Tell the members that their jokes and teasing hurt and make him feel worthless and he ends up crying at least twice a week because of it? Not only would they see the difference, but so would the fans. He doesn’t want to worry any of their Carats.

‘ _You’re such a joke._ ’

“Shut up.” He regained his balance, hanging his head.

‘ _Pathetic._ ’

“Shut up.” Sitting on his knees he took deep breaths.

‘ _You can’t even go five minutes without messing up._ ’

“Stop it.”

‘ _Good luck trying to get out of this one, pretty boy._ ’

“I said shut up!”

His voice echoed loudly, more than it should, as did the resounding bang as his fist collided with the door. The area was already covered in white hot pain within seconds, but all Mingyu could do was try to breathe. Again he could no longer control his body and fell to the floor beneath, losing nearly every sense of right he had.

His head was so clouded and his chest hurt and he wanted to lay down and die so it would stop. But fate had other plans.

“Mingyu-ah?” The voice came with a knock, making his heart pick up speed. “Are you okay?”

There were two voices from what he could judge, and he knew it was his hyungs on the other side of the woodwork. A nauseous feeling ran through his body.

“Mingyu? Hello?” Surely they could hear him at least attempting to breathe from five feet away. They then proceeded to knock heavily on the door, or hit it, and he knew this wasn’t good for him.

“Are you sure he’s still in there?”

“Last I checked, and all the other rooms are empty.”

Soonyoung. Wonwoo. The door was still locked and he was still on the floor, unable to get his body to respond in a way that could potentially save his life. Mingyu managed to roll onto his knees, only to stare as the door handle was jiggled from the other side. His eyes were still blurry and body shaking and he was sure they wouldn’t stop pestering him until he said something.

“I’ll ask Jihoon, he has keys and will no doubt still be in his studio.” Soonyoung was going to leave.

“I can wander around and ask if anyone has seen him if he’s already left.” Wonwoo was going to leave.

_He could get out._

Listening in carefully to when their voices drifted, which was surprisingly easy considering the room he was in was similar to a studio which are soundproof, he managed to collect his things and stand, waiting a moment before leaving. He knew he had to go right once he got out since their vocal-leader’s studio was left down the hall, and then would have to dodge whoever was in the other direction. Hopefully he could get out safe. Unlocking the door, walking out, and closing it behind him was easy. Too easy.

Mingyu was not so lucky in his escapade though, because as soon as he turned to walk away from the room, there was Wonwoo. Standing, waiting for him. Just like anyone with a brain would expect.

He refused to say anything, or even look at the brown-haired boy because he knew his face was shiny with dry and smudged tears and his eyes were red and his whole look was a mess. He couldn’t get out now.

“Mingyu? What’s wrong?” He could definitely hear the worry in the older’s voice, and he must have had an obvious idea that it was something important considering he didn’t leave the area like he told Soonyoung he would.

“Nothing.” It came with a shrug of the shoulders, but he still refused to look at him. Wonwoo stepped forward but Mingyu stepped back, a very large step indeed, his heart starting to race again.

Wonwoo didn’t dare move forward again, simply because he noticed just how uncomfortable the younger was. Something had happened and caused him to somewhat shut down, thus the quietness and defeated look he wore.

“You can tell me.” Seeing his boyfriend so hesitant, so afraid, of coming in contact with him made him worry all the more. He had heard him yell, and he heard the bang, which he understood was made by his fist as his right hand was currently bright red. Something also looked to be broken. Again, he made an attempt to move forward, but when he did so, Mingyu moved around him quickly.

“It’s nothing hyung, I’m fine.”

_What a lie that was._

~~~~~

“Mingyu-ah. Mingyu-ah, open the door.” Seungcheol spoke as he knocked, Jeonghan behind him also waiting. The older let out a sigh when there was no reply, turning to the blond. “Is he back yet?” A shake of the head.

Since Mingyu walked into the dorm fifteen minutes ago he immediately went to the bathroom, shutting the door and turned the shower on. No one bothered him, already clean and changed to sleep, but they could see he was not up for conversation at that point in time. They had noticed earlier in the day that he wasn’t his usual self, and after the way he arrived home, it was obvious he was having a bad day. They half expected Wonwoo to follow since he understood what to do, but the brunet was nowhere to be seen.

At that moment, Jeonghan’s phone vibrated in the pocket of his jumper, the message being from Wonwoo which he read aloud.

“ _Mingyu had another episode, please make sure he’s okay. Soonyoung, Jihoon and I are picking up bibimbap and will be there within ten minutes._ ” He looked up when he was done, the expression on his face being one he usually wore when he had no idea what to do. It was a tough situation.

From what they knew, the younger hadn’t experienced a bad day in well over two weeks, a good run after struggling for some time. Though they never asked questions or got too involved with it, they knew that if things got really bad, it would be Wonwoo telling them, considering he’s the only person the younger will trust with it all.

“It’s been fifteen minutes since he shut himself in there, I’m not waiting another ten. If Wonwoo get’s here before we come out, let him know so he can help.” With that, he knocked and opened the door as Jeonghan left to the others.

Seungcheol had to take action in this situation for once instead of relying on Wonwoo to always do it, both as a leader and a friend.

“Mingyu-ah?”

He closed the door while looking up, seeing the tall, yet so very fragile boy sitting in the bathtub, water falling over him while his arms were wrapped around his knees. He was leaning against the wall and was somewhat curled over himself, the temperature of the water leaving his bare skin to become red. Though Seungcheol could see the difference between skin that was warm and skin that was bruising.

Without much care of waiting for the other rapper to arrive, Seungcheol walked over and turned off the water before crouching down to talk. “Mingyu, are you here?”

It had been brought up vaguely by Mingyu himself that sometimes, when he would have an episode that involved anxiety or a panic attack or even a switch in his emotions, he would feel like he wasn’t always there. That he was in his own world, full of the things inside his head, unable to come out of it straight away. Almost like he wasn’t available at the moment.

So when such a time would occur and one of the members would see the boy staring at nothing or all too quiet or simply just not responding, they would ask if he was there; if he was with them. He never always was and it was answered with nothing, but other times he would look at them silently or give a mumble of ‘yes’. The members never fully trusted it.

The answer to Seungcheol’s question was a slow turn of the head, the boy looking at him with red eyes and water dripping in front of them from his wet hair.

“Let’s get you changed for the night, okay?” He held out his hand, the younger slowly looking down at it and swallowing heavily before taking it. It didn’t matter to the leader that Mingyu wasn’t clothed as he stood; they’d all seen each other naked. His priority was getting his friend dry and dressed so he wouldn’t catch a cold.

Once Mingyu was out of the tub, Seungcheol wrapped a towel around the boy’s waist and tucked it in at the side, taking another to dry his hair to an extent. When it was no longer dripping he gently wiped over his face, arms and upper body, using the same one to wipe around his lower legs and thighs while keeping the first towel in place for his privacy. Once done, he placed it around his shoulders to keep some warmth in place.

“I’ll go get you some clothes, I won’t be long.” he stepped back as he said it and the way the taller ducked his head meant he understood, and it barely took Seungcheol two minutes to bring back a pair of clean plaid pyjama pants and a long-sleeve shirt, finding them at the back of the boy’s drawers amongst random clothes. He dressed and dried his hair more in silence before grabbing a jumper, noting how warm it was inside the bathroom the longer he stayed there compared to the rest of their home.

Just as they were going to exit the bathroom voices came from outside, signalling the return of three members with food, and the leader turned back to Mingyu quickly before they were surrounded by them.

“Did you have breakfast today?” _No._ It was obvious he didn’t since he hunched his shoulders in, a defensive action, and Seungcheol sighed. This was tough. He knew it would be, no doubt, but he didn’t think he’d be trying to work out the best way to simply leave the room in one piece. Though difficult, he would do his best to make sure Mingyu was comfortable. “Do you want to eat with everyone else?”

_No._

“That’s okay.”

Seungcheol took Mingyu’s hand in his own, leading the way out and to their shared bedroom, never breaking the contact. The younger had his other hand crossed over his stomach, covered by his unusually long sleeves but he seemed comfortable enough to move through the dorm and to his room.

Upon opening the door there stood Wonwoo, turning and looking slightly frantic - more so worried than anything - but hesitant in his place. The leader wasn’t sure if something happened between the two, keeping his hand in the younger’s, but turned to him questioningly. He nodded, signalling it was okay before letting go. Seungcheol told him he would bring back something to eat before leaving.

The two boys stood quietly together, a few feet apart while not knowing what to do. It was Mingyu who moved first after a few moments, stepping forward so he could be held. Wonwoo did it without hesitation and wrapped his arms around his waist in a way he loved.

“I’m here baby, I’ve got you.”

Mingyu’s hands were scrunched in his sleeves but rested on the boy’s shoulders, feeling protected with his arms around him so he could lean into his body. He could feel his eyes beginning to water again, the lump in his throat forming, but he breathed through it to keep them away and simply held the one he cared about.

Over the next hour, Wonwoo made sure Mingyu ate everything on his plate, even giving up some of his own, and held him while they sat together. They didn’t sit on the bed but against it instead, having more space to stretch out while being together. The rest of the group had decided to take blankets and pillows to the living room area and watch movies, knowing they wouldn’t make it back to their beds before falling asleep.

There wasn’t much talking, only a few words here and there about Wonwoo clarifying that Mingyu was comfortable or asking if he was tired. When it came to be that they heard less noise from outside the room they knew most of the boys, if not all of them, had fallen asleep and they should too. Though when asked again, the younger implied that he still didn’t want to sleep.

“Have you been having nightmares again?” _Nod._

“Are they the same ones?” _Nod._

For a couple of weeks, Mingyu suffered from nightmares a majority of the week, all too sad and graphic for him to really talk about. He didn’t know what brought them on, but had a feeling it was perhaps due to him not eating as much, hurting his body, having an already terrible sleeping schedule, overworking until he would almost faint - which actually did happen at one point - and generally keeping it a secret from almost everyone. Okay, so maybe he did know what the reason behind it was.

But he didn’t want to get help, even if he truly, desperately needed it with the life he lived. It’s not like their staff or management or CEO knew about it, and he was sure he kept it well hidden from his fans by keeping a front on during events and eating snacks during fan-signs. It wasn’t ruining his life yet.

“We have a performance in the morning and have to be up early, even if you only sleep one hour it will be good. I’ll stay with you.” Their eyes connected, keeping the connection for some time before Mingyu moved his weight off of him and curled into himself.

“Promise?” It was quiet, a mumble of syllables and Wonwoo almost didn’t hear it properly, but he quickly put a hand on his shoulder while repeating the word. Soon enough, they were curled together in Mingyu’s bed, now the bottom bunk since he had switched with Jihoon only a few weeks prior since he would sometimes be ill and unable to get up to the top one.

Wonwoo pressed a soft kiss to his cheek before the younger rested his face in his chest, whispering tiny ‘goodnight’s before letting the night take care of them. Wonwoo prayed that Mingyu would find a way to sleep.

~~~~~

“He’s been quiet the last few days, I’m worried about him.” Wonwoo states to the younger as he watches Mingyu make coffee across the room. There’s plenty of noise to drown out their conversation from prying ears, and Hansol looks up at the older before turning to also look at Mingyu.

Hansol knows Wonwoo is stressed. He always is when Mingyu falls back into his shell when he has an episode. The words are on his tongue and there to say, words he knows could hurt the older, so he settles on something that he would more so take into consideration.

“Hyung, you know how he gets after an attack no matter how long it lasts. Give him some time to come back by himself, he’ll be okay soon.”

“I hope so.” The conversation is left at that once the taller returns, caffeinated beverage in hand and settles back in front of his laptop so they can continue on their study of their performances. Soonyoung would be looking over them three hundred times before deciding what to change or fix for the next performance, so they continued to watch and pick up on little things that they could contribute.

For a while, it was continuous practice, running through **Don’t Wanna Cry** and **Crazy In Love** for a majority of the time for their live recordings, the rest of the time being a few of their title songs for a way to end the session. As soon as it was over and they could leave, Jihoon was out the door and on the way to his studio.

With concerts coming up he was going to be writing, recording, mixing and producing everything he could so the group could showcase new songs and skills to their fans. They had plenty of time but he would begin working as soon as possible in order to not be backtracked by anything. Their biggest performances were the three days they were to have in Seoul, each day being set for a unit, and each unit, whether it be the whole of them or only a solo or duet, were going to perform new songs.

They all left Soonyoung behind in the studio, noting how he began a strong choreography and knew that his solo song was actually a plan that he was going to go through with. It made some of them laugh.

Yet looking over, Mingyu was still unresponsive, quiet, and distant. He walked with the group while checking something on his phone, looking up to make sure he didn’t crash into the other members when they would stop or slow down. He seemed to be messaging someone - Wonwoo guessed it would be some of his 97-liner friends to see how they all were. He knew each had a schedule, remembering Minghao and Seokmin’s conversation about the BTS concerts in Japan. He wondered if Jungkook knew of Mingyu’s situation. He probably wasn’t told, though it would be considerate for one of them to tell him if he were to ask about things.

Zoning back in, he ended up shuffling into the recording studio with most of the group, turning back to see where the taller was.

“Bathroom.” Seungkwan mumbled while moving past.

In said place, Mingyu washed his face to remove the still-there sleep from his eyes, taking some water to rinse his mouth. He felt sick again and would rather not look in the mirror, running a wet hand through his hair to remove it from his eyes before digging his nails into his arm sharply for a suppressant to the stomachache. He was so tired of the insecurity.

But things like that aren’t easy to get over. He can’t suddenly decide he’s handsome and talented and smart because someone told him he was or that he should ‘get over it’. He so desperately wishes it was like that.

Mingyu stayed a little too long, he realised, wiping his face with his sleeves before walking back out. Instead of heading to the recording studio, he went back to the practice room, hearing Soonyoung’s sneakers against the floor as he opened the door. Said boy stopped when he noticed him almost straight away, but didn’t get mad or irritated that he was there. Instead, he smiled and ushered him over, allowing him to see his notebook that was a mess, like always.

“Do you remember me mentioning ‘ **Hurricane** ’?” _Nod._ “Jihoonie said he liked the lyrics. We’re going to record it tomorrow night. I’m so excited for it.” He was smiling brightly and the taller tried to send it back, the expression small even when he looked him in the eyes.

He leant his weight slightly on the older, keeping their shoulder’s together as he listened to him explain the concept and how he wanted to try rap. Soonyoung was trying to distract the boy and it seemed to be working by the way he kept smiling and leaning close, and he felt like maybe that’s what Mingyu needs. Someone to talk his ear off and be okay with the silence he gave back.

Soonyoung loved being boisterous and having a good time, it was part of who he was. But he knew the difference between being silly and being a friend. So to see the younger that was struggling so much, smile genuinely at him bouncing on his toes and grinning brightly due to his excitement for being able to doing something he was looking forward to, it made him feel like he’d done a good thing. Like he became someone the younger could rely on more.

He wanted Mingyu happy. They all did.

The first step was making sure he knew they weren’t giving up.

~~~~~

“Why are you avoiding everyone?” It was the first proper thing Wonwoo had said to the younger in the past three days, being avoided along with a few of the other members. Not necessarily avoided, but there was no conversation of any sort. Then again, Mingyu wasn’t talking much anyway.

He looked up in a bit of shock with his eyes wide as if he’d been accused of murder. “I’m not.”

“Okay, let me ask again. Why are you avoiding me?” Wonwoo leant against the door as he asked, arms crossed and waiting. He needed to know if he’d done something wrong, and he really needed to know if things were okay.

“Who said I was?”

“I know you are.”

The younger looked back down at his lap, the first BongBong he made resting in his hands as he ran a thumb over the keychain. It was slightly worn and dirty, having travelled so many places with the group, but the boy was one to keep it close, along with the newer, larger ones he’d created that were sitting next to his bed.

A source of comfort, Wonwoo realised. He needed comfort, but he wouldn’t ask.

“It’s nothing hyung, I’m fine.” _Hyung_. He hated that word when they were like this; when it was just them and they had their quiet moments to be with each other.

Instead of arguing or leaving the conversation at that, Wonwoo locked the door and moved to sit behind Mingyu, leaning against the wall and bringing him back into his chest. The younger let it happen, uncrossing his legs so they were stretched out on the bed that was a little too small for his height. _How shitty_ , he thought.

“Gyu…” he felt the younger tense, but he took the textile item from his hands and put it on the bedside table, arms going tighter, “I can’t keep guessing. I’m confused, and so are the others. We worry and we’re scared. We don’t want anything to happen to you. Please stop shutting us out.”

He didn’t get an answer, the boy sitting up and at the edge of the bed, putting his feet on the floor, though he didn’t stand. His head was ducked, shoulders hunched up, and it was scary. He’s never been so quiet in all the years they had known each other.

The older sat forward to move close again, not touching him, but close. “Nothing will get better this way.” He’s not sure if he heard his mumble properly, but it sounded a lot like Mingyu said ‘ _I don’t want things to get better_ ’ under his breath. Wonwoo wanted to both cry and slap him. But he did neither.

Instead, he wrapped his arms around Mingyu’s shoulders from behind, right hand resting just above his heart as the other held it in place. “I love you, and I want you to be happy again.” He kissed his left shoulder above the neckline lightly, dotting it with small amounts of love, hoping to get a response soon enough. His lips travelled up to his neck, jaw, then cheek, stopping just beside his lips to see him turn.

There was no light in Mingyu's eyes as he looked at him. No sign of being there with Wonwoo as he held him close and showered him with the simplest form of love he had chosen. Mingyu did not smile or look between his lips and eyes, and he didn't initiate any further contact.

He almost looked lifeless, and it happened all too quickly.

“I won’t let you do this to yourself no matter how much you try to push me away.”

As Wonwoo leant into his back further his left hand came up to rest on his cheek, keeping their eyes on each other as his thumb gently moved across the skin. The beautiful, radiant, tan skin that he so loved to see. But it wasn't there to greet him this time.

Since his insecurities had grown and made him more withdrawn, Mingyu had become slightly washed out with dark circles under his eyes and chapped lips, though not from a reckless schedule like many would think. He was a shell of his usual self and it scared Wonwoo how it took him too long to notice the change before he could stop it.

When he saw the younger's eyes move down to his lips, so slow and so gentle, he moved his hand to hold his chin and pressed their lips together, the kiss a simple one. It didn't move past a touch, and when he pulled back, Wonwoo could see Mingyu beginning to open his eyes from when they involuntarily shut. That was the first clue that he was slowly coming back. “Let me love you.”

As only the other members had seen them together as a true couple, they had told the older that the relationship had often seemed one-sided over time. They expressed their concern for Wonwoo and his feelings when Mingyu would hardly react to holding hands or kisses or hugs; the look of love the younger held disappearing over the short few months since they began their relationship.

They didn't know how Mingyu locked himself in the bathroom in the middle of the night to cry his heart out and scratch along his chest to make the pain stop.

They didn't know that Mingyu had become increasingly insecure about his whole being.

No one, not even Wonwoo, knew how much Mingyu wanted to die just so he could stop hurting everyone else, and they need not know.

So when the younger looked into Wonwoo's eyes again, he bit his bottom lip as his own began to water, trying so hard not to let the tears fall.

Wonwoo kissed him again, and again, and again until he let out a tiny whisper. "Please," it was just short of the older's lips, and the brunet nodded, leaving one more before taking his hands and laying him down on the bed.

Wonwoo kissed over every scratch, every bruise, every scar his eyes came across while giving Mingyu the love he so dearly deserved, knowing that he can never bring himself to ask for it because he believes he's asking for too much. Asking for the older to love his self-inflicted wounds because he hates them so much, yet he can never bring himself to stop.

Mingyu loved Wonwoo: he had for years. He also loved himself as he knew he had potential in both talents and looks. But while his love for the boy had grown, his love for himself had dwindled down, slowly taking note of the things that were pointed out or thrown his way before his mind came up with it's own standards that he could nowhere near reach.

Mingyu was wasting away faster than he thought. But he loved Wonwoo with absolutely everything he had.

He didn't not love the other members though, as they were his best friends. He cared so much about them all and wanted them to be healthy and safe and happy. He wanted them all to achieve the things they dreamed of, and to be able to conquer their fears and demons to end up on top.

It was simply that those eleven members were his family. His brothers.

For a long time he looked at Wonwoo like that as well - he had to. But sometimes his feelings would slip out and he'd get too jealous or look at him with a smile too long. He isn't sure what happened to that Mingyu.

So as he felt the older take his hand and wind their fingers together, he could breathe a little easier, the tears fell a little faster, and Mingyu could swear things didn’t hurt so much.

"Wonu..."

Wonwoo lay above him, free hand brushing through his hair as he looked at him so sweetly. Mingyu wasn't worthy enough to be looked at like that by him, but he cherished every second it happened.

"I'll take care of you, baby. I promise.”

~~~~~

Wonwoo was concerned when he woke up alone after spending the night with Mingyu, giving him every ounce of love he had and showing that he was more than his scars. He notices he’s also up surprisingly early, but can hear a few voices bustling around the dorm getting ready. They had a full day of rehearsal ahead of them and he didn’t have much time during that period to worry.

In the midst of showering, getting dressed and eating, he didn’t once see the taller. But he also didn’t see Chan or Jisoo and no one was looking for them. They perhaps already left for the studio. Wonwoo didn’t mind; he had to give Mingyu his space and stop being so worried all the time. His paranoia for the younger had grown lately, but the other’s understood as they too became more observant, though on a lesser level.

As he found out upon arriving, the three members were already at the studio, all sitting around a bunch of juice and water bottles. No one had a frown, and it was a nice thing.

The rest of their management had arrived and reread over their schedule for live recordings on television, what times they would have to be awake and ready to leave and when their busy days would end. The times were similar to usual, and they would all have to end up sleeping earlier because of it.

 **Don’t Wanna Cry** was practiced a minimum of ten times before they could rehearse **Crazy In Love** , both the short and full versions depending on the time they had during the broadcast. It was after many, many hours they could take a lengthy break, missing lunch as they were all adamant to keep going. They ordered a bunch of random food ranging from chicken to rice to seafood, half the meal covered in spicy sauce. Junhui’s request.

How they had money left over, there wasn’t an answer for that.

Jokes were made and laughs shared, the group feeling like they were at the top of everything. Even Mingyu. He woke up and felt guilty for bringing everyone down lately and making them all worry, so he offered to buy drinks for the day with the third-eldest and the maknae going along with him. Having a meal with the group made him realise just how much he missed spending time with them and being like this. The changes he had made that caused him to drift away from the group were unexpected and even Mingyu himself didn’t quite know how to pull himself out of it.

Being told, and shown, that he was loved and appreciated by his boyfriend, his friend, his _hyung_ , made him want things to go back to normal. He had hurt them enough at this point and was tired of feeling sad. The feelings would come around again, but he had to ignore them and focus on the group’s happiness and made it his number one priority for the time being.

~~~~~

“Please, leave me alone.” He spoke for the first time since rehearsals finished, voice hoarse with a crack at the start, but still audible to the boy trailing behind him. It was too late in the night for this conversation and Mingyu just wanted to sleep for a few solid hours before their schedule the next day.

However, Wonwoo thought midnight was the perfect time for a conversation when everyone had already moved to their rooms to sleep. “No, we need to talk about this. You need to talk about this.”

Mingyu rolled his eyes as he entered the small kitchen area, grabbing a glass and filling it with water as he spoke, “there’s nothing to talk about, I’ve told you so many times. Why can’t you just leave me alone?”

“Because this is more than you feeling ill Mingyu! There’s something going on and you’re not telling me! Can’t you tell that I’m worried? That everyone is worried?”

“There’s nothing wrong with me, hyung-”

“Stop calling me that! You never call me that!” At that the younger turned around, glass forgotten on the counter as he looked down at his hyung with tired eyes and a glare. He wasn't really angry, just tired: of working, talking, being looked at like a freak. The members weren’t as subtle as they believed though he never said anything.

What he did say, was the truth to Wonwoo who looked a mix of impatient and concerned.

“I’ve had a change of heart recently.”

Wonwoo was confused but he didn’t let up. “What’s changed?” Mingyu stepped forward, beside him, and while looking a little too long he made sure their eyes connected before he spoke and walked away.

“…everything.”

But still, even after feeling like his heart was ripped from his chest and stomped on, Wonwoo wasn’t done. He just didn’t want things to end like that because he doesn’t know what could happen tomorrow.

“Don’t do this to yourself. Don’t hide away, because it does nothing but worry us.”

“It’s so much easier than trying to explain though. Because no matter what, you won’t like it.” Turning, Mingyu was not facing him, but was standing in the doorway, waiting. Waiting for the conversation to end so he could get out and breathe again.

“I can listen to what you say,” Wonwoo reasoned, though it did nothing.

“But you won’t accept it.” With a final look over his shoulder, the final interaction of the night, Mingyu left and retreated to his room to try for sleep in amongst tears and bruising skin.

~~~~~

It’s been a few hours since Mingyu and Wonwoo’s heated conversation that miraculously didn’t wake any of the other members, and they’re all standing backstage at M! Countdown waiting to record their performance for a second time. The group was full of energy and ready to go, most smiling at the cameras while talking about whatever topic came up to make it less awkward.

Mingyu himself is on edge and feels like he might throw up, but not literally. His stomach is twisting with nerves as he looks around at everyone, scanning where his members are and seeing that four of them are in one group speaking to a camera, and after that he can point out the rest close by.

Jeonghan was messing with him after the first performance and undone a few of the buttons across the back of his shirt, so a staff member about Chan’s height is fixing them while another restyles his hair where a few pieces are out of place from dancing. It distracts him from everything else, including the way Soonyoung and Minghao are asking each other if they’re ready to go in slightly mumbled English. It’s funny, but he has lost all energy to join in.

When he’s told he’s right to go, he moves through the mass of people and to Jisoo who’s smiling at him, mumbling about his microphone pack. The taller makes sure it’s tucked in properly and leaves when a staff member arrives, giving a small nod.

The still have a few minutes as the producers are going over the footage from a few angles, so Mingyu looks around at the group to busy himself while they wait.

Junhui, Seokmin and Seungkwan run over their lines a million times it seems, Jihoon and Chan check that their stage clothes are neat and clean, while some of the others practice the choreography with minimal movements led by Soonyoung. They all know it, but they do it anyway.

It’s not the Comeback Stage and it’s not the first week of promotions, but they still practice like it is and he notices that he would rather watch them do it than exert energy joining in. He scans the crowd again, hearing an apology from the producers about a technical issue, and he moves through a few people before standing in front of the person he was looking for.

When the older looks up, he’s a little surprised to see Mingyu in front of him, but he seems to get the silent message and moves through the small crowd of people and pushes the microphone away from his mouth, not wanting it to come on at a random moment.

As soon as they’re away from everyone, standing against the wall and not being bothered, Mingyu straightforwardly says the one thing he’s been meaning to say for days that he knew would break Wonwoo’s heart, but would begin to heal his own.

"I'm breaking up with you."

Wonwoo has no words. His jaw drops in the slightest, eyes widening, and before he can even make a sound Mingyu is speaking again.

“I’m tired of putting you in a position where you worry about me - where you all worry about me. I’m not saying things got worse when we got together but…I feel pressured when it comes to being happy with you. I am happy, but not as much as I want to be,” he looks at him for a moment, trying to keep his composure intact so he can finish, “I want you to see me as your dongsaeng, and your friend. As a member of Seventeen. I need to fix this on my own without hurting people and I don’t want you feeling burdened.”

The older is silent, looking to disagree, but Mingyu pushes. “Please, Wonwoo-hyung, let me do this.”

It’s then that Wonwoo can see the side of Mingyu he’d chosen to look past earlier on; the side of him that is struggling to keep up the act and he’s disappointed in himself that it has come to show. That he didn’t let him explain earlier on and thought that he could help.

But these are Mingyu’s insecurities and fears and struggles, and he should have known he couldn’t swoop in and be the hero. It doesn’t work like that. Though he can’t be the one to save him, he can be someone he can lean on when it gets hard.

So he nods, looks at his shoes then back up to speak. “Okay. I won’t push you anymore. If…if you need anything, I’m here.”

“I know. Thank you, hyung.” The older gives a tight smile before walking away, and Mingyu knows it hurt Wonwoo more than himself, but it’s better to let go now than when he’s too far gone. For Wonwoo’s sake, he lets go.

He just hopes it benefits everyone else in the process.

Soon enough, they’re called back up on stage to record again, and Mingyu doesn’t miss the usual blank look his hyung wears. When they first start to move into position, he tries to ignore the slight hunch in his shoulders and continues to stand behind him, his voice a little too light and scratchy to be called singing when he looks forward.

The first part goes smoothly, the tall boy bending a little more so he isn’t seen as much over everyone else, feet in position, no pivots missed. When they come to Seungcheol’s part, he’s breathing a little deeper from the dancing, but Wonwoo has also chosen to look down rather than at his eyes. He doesn’t blame him.

The start of the bridge, _their duet_ , stings a little, the polarisation of the lyrics “ _I’m okay_ ” and “ _I’m not okay_ ” all too easy to say. Mingyu knows Wonwoo isn’t okay, and that he doesn’t want to give up so easily, but he has to lie and do it for the benefit of another. So when the last note dies out, arm over eyes, Mingyu pretends he’s not scared of what’s to come.

How ironic for him to break his best friend’s heart only to perform the song that perfectly describes their love. 

~~~~~

It’s been a week since Mingyu and Wonwoo put an end to their relationship, no one knowing if it was temporary or not. Wonwoo was quiet like usual but wasn’t as focused on the younger, while Mingyu was just as quiet, but didn’t try to hide away when things got overwhelming.

He’d been washing dishes with Minghao one evening and dropped a glass, ending up in the middle of a panic attack in the kitchen. His friend had removed him from the area carefully and sat with him, the quick breaths and shaking and tears ending quickly. He was grateful to not experience it locked in a room alone.

He didn’t let Minghao see the piece of glass he’d picked up when the younger looked away.

That was the only incident to occur during the space of seven days before they started to have a few more fan-signs and events to attend. The travel wasn’t so bad and seeing Carats made him feel better, but something deep inside was telling him bad things, having him turn to look around at the members as if they were the ones who said it. Paranoia.

Mingyu was yet to fully explain the situation to anyone as he struggled to come to terms with it himself, but knew his mental health was worse than ever. He didn’t feel as bad as some days, incidents in the past being worse than he’s dealing with now, but the thoughts and feelings were still prominent.

He’d spent time with Jungkook in amongst all their schedules and though he never asked, the younger gave words that implied encouragement and support. He always felt better after spending time with the Golden Maknae of Bangtan, now more known overseas. There was moments of jealousy creeping up his spine when the younger mentioned their US tour and winning a BBMA, but Mingyu couldn’t hide his proud smile. There was no time for him to be jealous over someone who has been in the industry longer.

But when he was back at the dorm, surrounded by the members while watching tv or cleaning or preparing food, he felt like there was a constant line he had to be past in order to be like the old Mingyu. The happy, bright, loud Mingyu that everybody loved to joke with and annoy but so dearly appreciated having around. Some days he wouldn’t even bother looking for the line.

Yet when he woke up this morning, there seemed to be no line at all. At least, not in front of him.

He’d fallen asleep at a relatively early hour, waking up and preparing breakfast for all the members with a light feeling in his system. It was much too early to have so much energy, but Mingyu felt like it was going to be a good day. As he waited for everything to cook on low heat, he decided to apply some simple foundation to make himself not look as tired even if the other members wouldn’t care, concluding that he was going to be as productive as possible, including leaving the dorm at some point.

After he woke almost everyone up with a giant smile and his high-pitched giggle he made sure they were all present before handing out food, sitting down with them and eating as well. There were no words about his unusually happy behaviour, though he could sense the three eldest hyungs looking at him for a little longer than usual. He caught a glimpse of Jisoo’s smile when they made eye contact and he gave it back with a small blush.

For the first time in weeks, Mingyu didn’t want to die.

So while he cleaned up everyone’s dishes by himself, encouraging the members to get on with their day and that he was fine with it, Wonwoo didn't feel the need to watch on too long, but he did find himself smiling gently towards the tall boy at the sink. He missed seeing him happy.

Before anyone knew it, it was well into the afternoon and most members were scattered around the dorm, some playing video games while others watched, some on their phones, and others catching up on sleep they had trouble getting. Like they expected, Jihoon had left for the studio earlier in the morning and was yet to return, leaving the leader to go check on him, and most likely bring him home for the day.

Wonwoo found himself drowning in his boredom of having no schedule and wasn’t interested in the usual tasks of reading or getting involved with video games, so he wandered the home in search of another member who could be good company.

Luckily, the main dancer of the group was laying on his bed looking as bored as he was, one arm above his head and the other holding up his phone while simultaneously trying to keep his eyes open. Though he did acknowledge him when he walked in the room.

“Soon-ah, move over.”

“There’s a bed right there,” the older spoke, groaning in annoyance when Wonwoo decided to lay on half of his body instead. He managed to toss his phone on the table next to them and shuffle across, making room on the small bed for his taller, lankier friend.

They were quiet for a while, Soonyoung having moments where his eyes would close and try to pull him into dreamland, only for him to force them back open to give Wonwoo some type of company rather than dozing off on him. The shorter looked over to see that he was awake, finding the younger staring up at the ceiling and rolling his lips in over and over. Soonyoung let out a breath, bringing an arm up to rest under his head before speaking.

“You’re going to have dry lips doing that. You need to try and think positive about this, even if it’s hard.” He more so felt Wonwoo turn to look at him that saw it, meaning he completely understood what he said. Thus, the dancer was going to have to spend time reassuring him of things again. He didn’t mind, but it could be easier.

“I’m just…he’s not okay, and I’m scared he’s going to do something bad or he’s going to slip up.”

Soonyoung closed his eyes again, “you worry too much.”

“No I don’t.”

“Wonwoo, he’s been fine for almost a month. Yeah he’s had a few days he’s quiet or tired, and we all know that, but he’s not gone. You have to understand that making a scene of it won’t do any good,” the younger sighed and looked across at the opposite wall, brain processing his friend’s words slowly before feeling the other shift, “I see what’s going on.”

Wonwoo felt a little shocked at the suddenness of it. “What do you mean?”

“You’re not _just_ worried about Mingyu; you’re worried about yourself. Ever since you got together you’ve been constantly watching over him and making sure he’s okay. Even when nothing is wrong, you’re hovering like a concerned mother. You’re not ready to let go.” He had a point.

Goddammit Soonyoung had a point and Wonwoo couldn’t disagree with it.

“…Of course I’m not.” He sat up at that, putting his feet on the floor and waiting for the other to sit beside him, which he did. Wonwoo didn’t look over but knew Soonyoung’s eyes were on him, patient. He doesn’t know why he’s so patient. “I wasn’t even expecting him to end our relationship. Things were good, weren’t they?”

“They were. But as he told you; he’s doing this so he can get better and not drag you down with him. He’s looking out for you.”

They’re quiet for a moment, almost too quiet, before Wonwoo looks up and their eyes meet and Soonyoung feels his chest ache at the amount of emotion he can see in the other’s features.

“What do I do, Soonyoung? Why do I suddenly feel so empty even when we see each other every day? When we’re in a group together?”

“It’s called love, Wonwoo. It won’t get easier until things get better.”

“I want things to get better: for Mingyu, for everyone.”

Soonyoung smiled gently. “Then give him time. He’ll come back to you.”

“How do you know?”

“Isn’t it obvious? He loves you just as much, if not more.” Wonwoo stills for a moment, almost like he wasn’t expecting the words, leaving the older to continue, “you can still care about him even if you’re not together. Just keep him at arms reach and you’ll be okay.”

“…Thanks Soonyoung.”

“No problem, buddy.” The smile they share is one that shows gratefulness and contentment, leaving both of them to lie back down on the bed despite there being almost no room and letting it stay quiet.

After a while, the silence gets boring, leaving the rapper to shuffle around on the bed to try and get comfortable and have his own space without having to move to the other bed. In order to do so, his next option was to shove Soonyoung’s arm out of the way so he could put his own in that place and not be so close to the edge.

When he was nudged to move over more, Soonyoung groaned, pushing back in order to get the other off the bed. It was much too small for the both of them, especially in the warmth of the day.

“Wonwoo, go away. You’re taking up the bed.”

“Good.”

“You’re stubborn.”

“You’re much more stubborn.” They laughed at that, but continued bumping their shoulders into each other for something to do. When Wonwoo’s elbow hit between his ribs, Soonyoung sat up and pushed at him with his hands instead, a small wrestle coming about. With the both of them now full of energy with something to do, it quickly escalated to Soonyoung throwing his leg over the younger’s body and grabbing his wrists.

Soonyoung hovered over Wonwoo, trying to pin him down, laughter bubbling out from both of them. While trying to find a good place to rest his knee, Wonwoo managed to shove him to the side which resulted in the both of them tumbling off the bed and onto the floor. The taller was the one to get the other’s wrists planted to the ground, smiling down at him brightly. Though he didn’t have the upper hand when it came to strength, he had more energy to win.

“Give up?”

“Never.” Soonyoung pushed and struggled, but no matter how he twisted his body, he wasn’t able to throw Wonwoo off. After a few minutes he let his head fall back to the floor, “you win.” They both continued to laugh at their game, Wonwoo feeling more tired but cured of his temporary boredom. The older gave him one of his silly smiles, causing more laughter.

“Hyungs did you-”

The taller boy looked up behind him quickly, stomach dropping at the look on Mingyu’s face as he stood with a hand on the door staring at them, a little speechless.

“Mingyu it’s not…” he stood from his position to move forward but didn’t get to finish his sentence as the boy looked down quickly, taking a small step back before looking at them again with a faint, yet faulty smile.

“I was going to get groceries with Jihoon-hyung. Do you want me to buy anything?”

Neither said anything, shaking their heads before the youngest nodded and left, closing the door softly. Wonwoo was in momentary shock, not knowing what to do, before opening the door and walking out to follow to other.

“Mingyu!”

“Hyung, I have to go get groceries.”

“Mingyu wait.”

“It’s okay hyung, don’t worry about it.” He turned to look at him, making eye contact and Wonwoo couldn’t see anything that would tell him he should be worried. But he was. Mingyu may have ended things between them but it was obvious to anyone he still cared.

“I…”

“I’ll be back later.” He waited a second, perhaps two, before turning towards the door, Jihoon showing up at the same time so they could leave together. Wonwoo wanted to throw his own head into a wall at seeing Mingyu hide his emotions so easily.

~~~~~

“Hyung, can I ask you something?” It’s after they’ve been quiet for a while, walking by the Han river to waste time and make their trip longer. Jihoon gives a ‘hm’ in answer while nudging his arm with his shoulder, the younger continuing as he keeps his eyes on the water, “have you ever thought about death?”

He doesn’t realise Jihoon has stopped until he goes to look at him, only to see he’s a few feet behind, looking at him incredulously. The crease in his brow makes Mingyu feel a little awkward about asking, but it’s a topic he’s thought about for years like everyone else. It may have popped into his head more commonly over the past few months.

After a moment the shorter takes a breath and steps forward, beginning their walk again, answering the question. “Yeah, I have. I’ve wondered what happens after death. Why do you ask?”

That, Mingyu didn’t have his own answer to. There’s a few ways to explain, but all would be considered saddening or disturbing at most. They were realistic answers but at this point in time, with where he was in his life and what was happening, they weren’t things he’d like to tell his hyung. Instead, he just shrugged and kept going, letting the space between them go quiet again.

Mingyu didn’t pay all that much attention between the moment they ended their conversation to the moment they walked in the dorm with two bags each, the older helping him put things away before shuffling off to another room.

He started unpacking ingredients and adding them to a saucepan, putting in herbs and flavour for carbonara sauce while putting on the spaghetti next to it, leaning against the bench top beside the stove to wait. The food would take a while to cook yet, and it was barely six o’clock, but he wanted something to occupy his mind and take away his thoughts.

The boy wasn’t upset about Wonwoo and Soonyoung. They had been best friends for years and were the same age, always joking and having fun with each other. He wasn’t upset they were playing around because he does that with other members too.

No, Mingyu didn’t hold any negative thoughts or feelings towards the two. They were all directed at himself.

He tried not to show how stunned he was when he walked in the room, seeing his hyungs in what most would say is a ‘compromising position’, and he tried to keep his voice light enough that they wouldn’t hear the slight strain of it, and he tried to smile normally without worrying them that he was hurt.

Mingyu is the one who ended his relationship with Wonwoo for the benefit of helping himself without putting stress on the older. He had no right to hold him back from having fun with his friends. Yet he knew Wonwoo still cared because he was terrible at hiding his stares and tight smiles and his willingness to wait for him. Wonwoo was waiting for him to come back, and Mingyu wanted so desperately to. But he was just too sick to do so.

He stirred the sauce and made sure it wasn’t sticking, and checked that the pasta was cooking properly before putting a lid on both. Mingyu stood in front of them and watched the food cook, noting how the lids were gathering a small amount of steam due to the trapped heat. He all too suddenly felt trapped like that.

The steam turned to water droplets and it was intriguing to Mingyu. He watched as the lid easily went from clear to blurred, then back to clear and only slightly showing the noodles cooking between the moisture. When he previously lifted it off he was able to feel the heat that accumulated inside the pot before trapping it again. Though he wasn’t planning on letting it out, as that would make the process slower, he wanted to feel the heat again. To touch it, experience it, see what it really feels like.

With his blatant, lost stare still on the pots, mind elsewhere and attention switched off, he extended his right arm over the top of the pot, feeling the heat drift up onto his skin. It took some time to feel how hot it was and soon made his skin feel sweaty, causing him to take his arm away. It was nice though; the kind of heat you would let wash over you for a short amount of time before stepping away from it.

He wanted to feel it again.

Repeating the same process, he left his arm exposed longer, waiting until it became uncomfortable before moving away. Though it made him want to do it again, and again, and again.

With his sudden interest on the heat of the pot and the way the steam fogged up the lid before the moisture became visible, he turned up the gas, seeing quickly how the water began boiling harder with bubbles coming to the surface quicker. Letting it boil for a few moments he raised his arm over it once more, observing the larger amount of heat despite the cover on it.

So without much care, or thought, or any real reason to do so besides wanting to see if he’ll finally feel like he’s not dead inside, Mingyu lowered his arm to rest on the burning hot lid of the pot.

It was the most intense pain he had ever felt, the heat destroying his skin quickly, and it felt like the whole area was on fire. But he stood there, letting it happen, as if there was no heat at all. His body wouldn’t allow him to pull away or yell or do anything, and he knew he was screwed.

It barely lasted though, which he was both grateful and confused about, before he felt his cheek burning with less heat, but a stronger sting. It brought him out of his daze, noticing all too clearly how he was turned towards the centre of the kitchen, facing an angry Jihoon who was holding his right wrist with his other hand clenched by his side. It registered then that he slapped him. The older’s eyes were beginning to shine and he was breathing heavily, giving him that same pained look he saw on the bridge. Looking at it now was even worse.

“We’ve all thought about death, Kim Mingyu, but we choose not to get too close because it will give us nothing but pain.”

Mingyu heard his words, took them in, thought over them, then finally understood just what it is he said. It was then it finally registered, actually stayed in his mind, just how far gone he was and how broken and withered he had become.

So, with all his strength and courage and anything else good he had left, he pushed the older back and ran to the front door, picking up his shoes and jacket before leaving the dorm.

Mingyu didn’t want to go back. He didn’t plan on ever coming back after this.

~~~~~

The first time Mingyu left suddenly, it was the first time any of them, including said boy, found out what was going on with him. All the insecurities and worries first came about then and he was gone for roughly six hours.

When he’d shoved Jihoon out of the way the older knew that he wasn’t alright but he needed his space. They’d been at push and pull for months with Mingyu, trying to understand what he was going through and how to help, but also staying out of it to let him come to them when he needed it. Now, as the producer informed everyone of what he had seen, said, and experienced, they all concluded that the way they treated the situation did nothing but make things worse.

It had been six hours, now past midnight, and they had not relented in sending text messages and calling him. They were thankful he took his phone with him, as none of them could find it in the dorm, but it must have been turned off or dead considering all calls went directly to voicemail.

He wasn’t at the studio, none of his friends from other groups had seen or heard from him, he wasn’t at any cafe or store or general area he commonly visited, and no one was prepared to contact any staff or managers. They should have, but they wanted to deal with this as a group of thirteen rather than bringing in people that could make it worse.

Most voicemails sent were similar to “ _please answer_ ” or “ _let us know you’re safe and when you’re coming back_ ”. Most were the unit leaders and fellow hyung line, everyone else calling at least twice before sending texts, while Wonwoo was seemingly hesitant to pick up the phone.

It’s not that he wasn’t concerned or worried or scared about Mingyu’s absence; he was probably the most worried out of everyone. He just didn’t know what to say. “ _Hey Mingyu, we’re worried, please come back._ ” “ _Mingyu, please call one of us._ ” “ _Let us know you’re safe._ ” “ _We’re going to call the police if you aren’t home in the morning, you idiot._ ”

None of those sentences seemed to be…enough. Nothing was ever enough.

He had already sat through a mass apology from Soonyoung as he believed it was his fault, but Wonwoo denied it and said he was to blame. His friend didn’t agree, and after some stressed arguing, both concluded it was neither their fault and they couldn't have predicted the outcome.

Wonwoo never let the conversation go on for him to end it saying he blamed himself the most.

A few members decided to go to the studio to ‘work’, a few left to take a ‘midnight stroll’, while the rest stayed home to ‘get some rest’. Wonwoo stayed, watching as Seungkwan, Hansol, and Jeonghan settled in front of the television to pass the time. He envied watching Hansol settle back into Seungkwan’s chest as he watched from the doorway. After looking for long enough he retreated to his shared bedroom and closed the door, settling in the very corner of his bed to lean against his pillows and the wall.

Wonwoo’s hands were sweaty as he dialled Mingyu’s number, hugging his knees to his chest and holding the phone close. Just as he expected, straight to voicemail. He listened to the automated operator telling him to wait for the beep, and as soon as it sounded, he could barely get a sound out. He had little time to say something, _anything_ , so he went with the first reasonable thing that he hoped would make an impression.

“You can blame me, Gyu, it’s okay to do so. We…we’ve been calling for hours. You know how we get when someone is stressed…I-”

“ _If you would like to send this message, press one. To listen, press two, to delete-_ ” Wonwoo pressed the assigned number to erase it and hung up.

He took a few deep breaths, ran his hands through his hair and rested his head back against the wall for some time before calling again, this time to leave a proper message. So he waited for the beep, swallowing the lump in his throat just beforehand, then spoke once he heard it.

“Mingyu, please, talk to us. Talk to me. We can fix everything…even us. Please just let us know you’re somewhere safe. I…I miss you, baby. Come home.” He ended his message just before it timed out, pressing the designated number to send it before hanging up. He tossed the phone on his bedside table and laid down, closing his eyes but not bothering to get under the covers. He could barely sleep the past week anyway.

When Wonwoo felt sleep beginning to fall over him, his phone buzzed loudly on the wooden surface it sat on, leaving the boy to somewhat jump awake from the volume of it. He rubbed at his face before reading the notification, freezing up when seeing it was a text from Mingyu.

‘ _Roof._ ’

A single word, and that was all he needed to get up and leave the dorm. He was still rubbing at his eyes tiredly and Jeonghan asked where he was going, saying he needed to get some air. The older nodded and held up his phone as a means of saying to contact him if he needed it, leaving Wonwoo to give a tight-lipped smile before leaving.

When he was unable to hear any voices or footsteps around him, Wonwoo moved up the stairs quietly and to the door leading to the roof, noting it was unlocked already which he was more than glad about. It thankfully opened without making too much noise, as when it closed, and the brunet boy let out a deep breath before walking around the side of the doorway to see the person he was looking for seated near the edge.

Without saying anything he walked forward and sat on his right, looking across to see his side profile lit up in the slightest by the streetlights around the building. They were low compared to their position, but bright enough to reach them. Wonwoo always thought he looked handsome in low light.

Neither of them spoke and Wonwoo eventually looked away, staring down at his sweater-covered fingers as they pulled at a loose thread, letting the quietness around them settle in.

It wasn’t uncomfortable to be silent, as they had sat in many silences together, but it wasn’t peaceful either. Mingyu asked Wonwoo to come, out of every member worrying for him. The older knew he didn’t want anyone else there and he accepted it, but he just wasn’t sure why it took so long for Mingyu to ask for his presence.

Perhaps it was because he didn’t want to ask without knowing if the older was going to show up. He wanted to wait until the effort was made before deciding that yes, Wonwoo being there is what he needed.

Mingyu was a complicated person, Wonwoo had learnt over these past few months, compared to the years they had trained and grown up together. But the complications he had were brought on by words and thoughts and they weren’t going away. Things like insecurity, anxiety, depression, and self-abuse don’t just stop overnight, even if everyone around you is there to help. The problem is that they don’t understand.

Every member of Seventeen had days they wanted to give up and quit, days they hated everything and sometimes even themselves, and a lot of days where things just became too much to deal with. But they weren’t constantly at war with themselves, mind spurting disgusting comments and hands hurting their body as a relief. They weren’t thinking about death like Mingyu was.

So it took some time for Mingyu to muster up the courage to say something to the boy patiently waiting next to him, wanting to be honest and wanting to let him know about what’s going on inside his head. He parted his lips to take a deep breath, looked up at the crescent moon just shy of being right in front of him, looked back down at his lap before reaching over to take Wonwoo’s hand in his own.

“I asked Jihoon-hyung if he’d ever thought about death. He answered me, and then wanted to know why I asked him that. I couldn't tell him, because no one wants to hear someone say they want to kill themselves. Nobody likes talking about death in the sense of it happening deliberately.”

He ran his fingers over the older’s knuckles slowly, bending and straightening out his fingers before comparing the size difference, taking notice of it before holding it properly with their fingers interlaced.

“Death always scared me when I knew it was going to happen to someone close to me; my older relatives, a family pet, elderly people I’d met growing up. I didn’t want to wake up one day and know they were gone. But thinking about it,” letting go of the older he placed his hands back in his lap and looked at the sliver of light in the sky again, the corner of his mouth twitching up into a sad smile, “death is all we have in the end.”

Keeping the sad smile on his face he looked at Wonwoo, feeling his throat begin to close up, “I can’t count the number of times I’ve wanted death to take me from this place.”

They’d never talked like this before - Mingyu being so open about what he felt and the thoughts he was experiencing, and Wonwoo wasn’t sure if he wanted to cry about it, scream at him for being so secretive, punch and hit him over and over for the way he was thinking, or simply leave because he could barely handle it all. None would help, he knew that, but they were the first actions he thought about. Instead he replied with a calmness he gained out of nowhere. “What if you woke up one day and one of us was gone instead?”

“I’d never forgive myself for being so selfish.”

“You’re not selfish; you’re hurt, and there’s nothing wrong with that.” Wonwoo kept his eyes on the younger as he looked away, wishing he’d turn back to him.

“If I lost any of you…whatever the reason may be…everything inside would tell me it was my fault. For not paying attention, focusing only on myself, for shutting everyone out, for not showing that I still care…”

“What if it was me?” Mingyu looked at him then, eyes moving across his features while trying to keep his composure. Wonwoo wanted an answer that would allow him to salvage the situation easily. A way to make it all better.

One half of Mingyu regrets telling Wonwoo to come up to the roof. The other half wishes the whole thing wasn’t so difficult to fix.

“If I lost you?” Wonwoo nodded, blinking back any tears that could possibly fall, Mingyu letting out a breathy, pained laugh while his own spilled over. “That would be worse than death itself.”

“That’s how every one of us would feel if we lost you.”

Mingyu looked back out at the sky, taking sharp breaths through his crying and the look on his face reminded Wonwoo of the day he walked into the practice room to find him sobbing in the Performance leader’s arms, and then proceeded to hold him and calm him down for over an hour. It was a long day, the months running together since then.

What he did do was rearrange his position so he was sitting up on his knees, facing the younger to take his hands, managing to get his attention easily. Mingyu allowed him to turn him, shuffle forward to sit in his lap and rest his hands on his face, watching his eyes the whole time. Wonwoo can’t keep up the front he had so easily perfected throughout the years, deciding that Mingyu deserves to see every ounce of pain and fear that he holds towards the topic at hand.

“I don’t care how many times you think about leaving us; you _do not_ go through with it. Death hurts everyone but the person it happens to. So if you go…you leave us to suffer and remember and we will never be able to move past it. We may live on but we will never be okay again. So please, Mingyu, _please don’t leave us_.”

He knows he’s crying now, and he can see Mingyu is just as bad, if not worse, but he will not let things fall apart so easily. If he can simply change his mind with a few words, then he’s going to use the opportunity as best he can. Pressing their foreheads together Wonwoo closes his eyes and begs, “please, don’t leave me, baby.”

Mingyu breaks. He truly, completely, ultimately breaks.

He cries everything out and Wonwoo lets him. He sits there and holds him close and he lets him know that he is worth everything and he is loved. That he deserves to be an idol and part of Seventeen and he deserves happiness and praise and success. He lets him know that he deserves to be alive, and he will never let him think otherwise. Neither are sure how long they’re on the roof, in one another’s arms, letting only the night hear them and their misery.

Wonwoo ignores the buzzing of his phone in his pocket, knowing talking to the others in person will help clear things up. So he waits, patiently, for the younger to run out of tears and calm his breathing, to raise his head from his shoulder to look at him, and for his hands to find their way from his shoulder blades back to his waist. When those things happen, Wonwoo runs his thumbs under his eyes to wipe away any lasting trace of his sadness, cupping his cheeks softly.

“I love you, Kim Mingyu. I will always love you, no matter what you tell yourself. Please don’t push me away anymore.” He watches as he slowly nods, biting his bottom lip to keep calm.

“I love you, I promise I really do, even if I can’t always say it,” he too nods in reply, noticing how the younger wants to say more so he stays silent, letting him work out his words, “I want to fix everything I ruined, with everyone. But I…I can’t do it by myself.”

“We’ll help you, without hesitation. Just let us know and we’ll be there for you.” It goes quiet again for a moment as words are taken in and other words are thought over, allowing them to get through it slowly, but together.

“Hyung…can you forgive me? For hurting you and ending things so suddenly and ruining what we had? Can you come back to me?”

Wonwoo doesn’t hesitate to say yes. In a sense of the situation not being so desolate and the question asked on a normal day, Wonwoo would have told him that he needed time to think it over, that he couldn’t answer him yet because the break-up was sudden and it hurt him. But he knew why it happened, and how the consequences panned out, and he knew that even if he was hurt, he wasn’t the only one.

With hesitancy, for obvious reasons, they lean into each other and though he asked, Mingyu is the one to initiate the kiss. He thinks it feels like he’s come back home after being gone for much too long. Wonwoo feels something similar, and it’s nice. Without voicing it, both feel like things just became that little bit better.

When they pull apart they don’t move far, letting the atmosphere calm down for when they are ready to leave. They will go back downstairs, together, and they will talk to the members, together, and they will mend the broken parts of each other. Every one of them will be given back the pieces that were destroyed, and Mingyu promises himself that by the end of it, they will all be okay.

~~~~~

Wonwoo rests against the far wall of the main room and holds Mingyu gently as he rests against his chest. Mingyu has his head just to the right under Wonwoo’s chin, his bandaged right wrist and hand on top of the older’s where they sit on his stomach, left hand on Wonwoo’s bent knee. Wonwoo slowly cards his fingers through Mingyu’s black hair and tries to neaten it from being ruffled by the wind, the younger holding his hand a little tighter as reassurance that he is there and they are together.

They returned to the dorm roughly twenty minutes ago, everyone home but seeing the need for patience with one look from Wonwoo. They waited for Mingyu to get his burn treated and covered up, all eventually sitting around the living area until the two walked in and sat down.

Nobody dared say a word as they knew they couldn’t demand answers, especially with the way the tallest curled himself up on Wonwoo’s lap so well he seemed smaller than he was. That, and the obvious look of distress on his features made up of shiny cheeks and red eyes.

After a while Mingyu lets out a sigh, barely audible to most, before deciding he better start talking sooner rather than later.

“I want to get better, and I want you all to help me. I can’t…this isn’t something I can do alone like I thought,” he can feel Wonwoo’s mouth press a kiss to his hair, allowing him to take a moment to calm down before continuing, “I need help. Real help, and I’m going to get it because it will do nothing for us as a group if I don’t.”

They collectively nod and stay silent, not wanting to upset him. Mingyu internally thanked them for it.

“I’ll talk to the managers and the CEO about it tomorrow after our schedule. I’ll let them know I’m still able to participate, it’s just that I need someone to talk to about everything that isn’t any of you.”

“Why don’t you want to be open with us about it?” Minghao asked suddenly, albeit with a gentle tone.

“Because I don’t want any of you to lose focus on being an idol by having my problems getting in the way. I don’t want you to lay awake at night trying to figure out your words when we have a simple conversation. I don’t want to be more of a burden…”

“You’re human, Mingyu, and all humans struggle,” the taller turned his face closer to Wonwoo’s chest at the words he spoke, tightly closing his eyes to keep neutral and not lose himself, “I don’t think you’re a burden. I never have.”

“None of us do.” Seokmin spoke and everyone voiced their agreement, Mingyu breathing through his sudden onslaught of anxiety.

“Deep breaths, baby. Nice and slow.” Wonwoo wrapped his arms around him a little tighter, pressing his cheek to his head as fingers drummed on Mingyu’s stomach. It allowed him to relax his body and stop the mass of emotions before they made themselves present, realising that being in the older’s arms is one of the things that helps the most.

When he felt better, he opened his eyes to look at everyone, noting how some looked away upon contact, some kept their gaze, and some shifted between both. He knew they were uncomfortable, and Mingyu held nothing against them for it. This was his fault, so he would have to be the one to fix it.

So he started slow, explaining his feelings and the things that were going wrong, he talked about why he would hurt himself on days that were seemingly fine, and he discussed his plans to get better. They had just over a month before their Diamond Edge tour began, and he promised that by the day of their first concert, he would be better. Not completely, but enough that he wouldn’t worry any fans. Knowing their Carats were upset and worried hurt them just as much as when another member felt that way.

By the time the conversation ended it was well past three o’clock, and they were so very lucky they didn’t have a schedule in the morning because no one would have gotten any sleep by the time they had to be awake.

A lot of the members cried with him and for him, feeling a mix of emotions they never thought would come about. The member who made Mingyu’s heart ache the most when he saw them cry was Hansol. The younger wasn’t one to often show his negative emotions in the form of being visibly upset, so he was the first one the taller made his way to with open arms and sorry words.

Mingyu hugged every member and gave an apology and promised to make things better between them, that they would spend more time with each other one-on-one in order to talk and grow back together. He didn’t want to sleep in his bed, and some members saw that, so it was decided they all grab their pillows and covers and sleep together in the living room.

He was one of the last to wash up after tending to all of his friends, somewhat enjoying the fact that the bathroom mirror was fogged up so he didn’t have to see what the last few hours have done to him. Wonwoo came in after his shower and helped him remove any excess makeup he missed around his nose and chin, the two sharing small glances while doing so. Though they seemingly made up, both felt the still-lingering awkwardness around them.

As Wonwoo went to turn and leave, Mingyu grabbed his wrist and pulled him back, bringing him into his body to hold. Their arms wrapped around each other without hesitation and neither spoke, but it felt good to them to be there with one another.

They stayed like that for a moment before moving into the living room, finding their pillows and covers next to each other towards the middle of the sleepy pile of boys. When they settled and the light was off, everyone said a ‘goodnight’ with a few throwing in ‘sleep well’s, the only noise being everyone getting comfortable.

After a moment of having his back to the older and getting comfortable, Mingyu spoke. “I love you all.”

It was answered with twelve of the same, all directed to the whole of them, and he knew this is what he had to do. Recovery would not be easy, but the first step is acceptance, and Mingyu knew that even with the wrong words filing through his head, his best friends all truly loved him.

He could get better with them all by his side.

 


End file.
